[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!