“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup