“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
had to share :’)
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Netflix and you sit over there.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.