I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me