“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss