I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
yea so i messed up lol
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?