I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
How it started: How it’s going:
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.