@garrettn

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

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@reallifemommy3

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

@Reverend_Scott

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

@calluptome

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

@KevinFarzad

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

@AndyAsAdjective

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

@Spaziotwat

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

@WineMummy

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

@ElgatoEsmio

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.