I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now