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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
#Caturday
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too