I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.