I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
what kind of cook setting is this??
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!