I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
![]()
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Good news
![]()
Company at my house: Do you have a bathroom?
My Mind: No we shit in the yard
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.