“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Proctology is located in A55
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.