@Kyle_Raney

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

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@Darlainky

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

@Gupton68

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

@mattZillaaaa

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

@TuSoonShakur

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

@mostly_cheese

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@AmishSuperModel

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

@bekindofwitty

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.