If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”
Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.