I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
It’s a gift
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Nothing.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I am also baked goods
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following