I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
That took me a moment.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Got him!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.