@Soo_Scandalouss

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

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@SvnSxty

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

@ShawnIzadi

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

@GingerHotDish

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

@Quartzjixler

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

@ScottLinnen

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

@DustinAHarkins

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight