Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???