I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”


Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.


“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.


Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.


Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.


i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either


You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.