I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

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Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.


Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.


The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie


She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.


[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”


Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father


“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.


You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.


FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?



ME: to what?


[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine