I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
You Might Also Like
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.