@TheWoodenslurpy

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

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@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

@iowahawkblog

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@murrman5

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

@Marlebean

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

@TheHyyyype

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

@burgerdrome

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@panmidwest

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

@BraandoCommando

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine