@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

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@tastefactory

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

@BuckyIsotope

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

@imdaintyaf

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@Token_Geezer

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

@LetMeStart

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

@GrantTanaka

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

@ObscureGent

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

@KentWGraham

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this