I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

You Might Also Like


I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.


Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*


Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.


Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you


My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.


Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating


teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring


Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.


My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.


DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this