I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car