@maebemarbles
@tastefactory I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
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@tastefactory 
@BuckyIsotope Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
@imdaintyaf Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
@Token_Geezer Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
@LetMeStart My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
@ThugRaccoons Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
@GrantTanaka teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
@ObscureGent Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
@KentWGraham My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
@donni DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this