I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
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Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Previously On Persistence 😎
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’