“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
i choose….tongue
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it