I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The hardest thing Vision has to do
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*