I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.