@BDGarp

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

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@Book_Krazy

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

@azninthesun

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

@ChrisStephensMD

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

@o__0Dev

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

@babyitsmb

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@LlamaInaTux

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

@kirawontmiss

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

@AsgardianRose

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?