I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
my favorite genre of twitter
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.