“I’d like to speak with a manager”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
same energy
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS