I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Mountain Goat : )
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?