I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?