I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
lol
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.