@kryzazzy

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

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@sad_tree

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

@dlicj

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

@AGStr8upNinja

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

@sad_tree

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

@mommajessiec

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

@itsdhruvism

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

@DrunjAF

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

@girlfr0g

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit