I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return


At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music


Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?


*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*


A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.


This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.


My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.


My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.


Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁


bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit