Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.