“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
You Might Also Like
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no