I’d love this before and after shot…lol
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican