I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.