I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision