Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.