I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
when mom throws a party…
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.