I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
just having fun
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.