I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
You Might Also Like
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Buying a well is money well spent.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.