I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You Might Also Like
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Every time.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat