I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
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LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes