I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.