I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Cats are still liquid.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.