I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*