I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.