I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
You Might Also Like
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.