I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’m crying im so happy for them
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape