@NikkiGlaser Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
@OhNoSheTwitnt I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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@NikkiGlaser 
@MNateShyamalan you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
@TheBoydP My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
@noog This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
@StumblerTop I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
@JoParkerBear UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
@zachary_lampley Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
@kimmie_1980 Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
@leechee420 Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.