I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.


you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club


Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.


My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?


This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.


I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.


UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over


Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?



Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…


Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.