I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You Might Also Like
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
dutch is not a serious language
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter