I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.