I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?