I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now