I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Breaking news:
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.