I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.