I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

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I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.


I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.


Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?


No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.


Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.


I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.


Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.