I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2