@bwebster76
@Marlebean Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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@Marlebean 
@Fred_Delicious Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
@BuckyIsotope Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
@pleatedjeans Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
@scarfgoat my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
@MadHatterMommy “Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
@edgarrants When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
@kidnappedagain Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
@lazerdoov Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
@junejuly12 Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.