I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
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the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
dead inside
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
yeet
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.