I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
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Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.