I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
You Might Also Like
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
PARKOUR
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too