I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner