I’d walk over cotton balls for you
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I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.